What Happened to Elegance?

Has elegance disappeared from Los Angeles?  For a city filled with red carpets, grand openings and movie stars, I have to wonder if it is all only for the paparazzi...

A few nights ago, I had a rare opportunity to go out with the girls.  This is not to say I don’t go out anymore, but this was one of those nights when we decided to dine out of the box. Those of you from L.A. know how easy it is to stay local.  Heaven forbid one has to drive outside their comfort zone, even though we all have cars of great stature and comfort.

I was very happy with my decision to go for more than one reason. I had a great outfit in mind I wanted to wear - and I didn’t have to drive. Nothing could make me happier than to think of taking a hot shower, doing my hair and getting dressed up! 

It was something I really needed after a long week of multiple play-dates, school, parks and family dramas!  I remember how fun it was as a child to play ‘dress up’ and how it makes me smile now when I see my daughter create her own style.  She loves to watch me get dressed.  She pays attention to everything I do, asking questions from, “Why is the mascara black”, to “Why is it important to smell good and feel soft.” It brings back very fond memories of watching my mom get ready to go out. She always looked so elegant, just like a movie star.

So what happen to those days… the days of the ‘movie stars’? I’m not suggesting that every night we go out we should dress like a million dollars, but what I noticed on this particular evening was no one dressed up… not even like ten dollars. Women all around the restaurant were in sloppy jeans and oversized sweaters that made them look like they were trying to hide something. Their hair was tied up as if they were about to wash their face. A natural feel maybe, but too natural for an evening out? My girlfriends and I made such an effort to wear our favorite outfits for the night, and at this moment I was wondering, what for?

I had been so excited to slip on a pencil skirt that hit right over my knees, and my cream silk blouse from YSL that tucked in perfectly; I put on my vintage Gucci belt that fit my waist perfectly, and topped it off with 4” black suede high-heels and a vintage Christian Dior clutch. It felt so good to feel glamorous for just one night.

One of the things I love about going out is observing others. I love to see what they are wearing, how they wear it and how they interact. A few weeks ago I wrote about “the silent movie”. I use this technique a lot as a way to really take in my surroundings and learn from others – how they look and their behavior. I think that night was when my disappointment set in.

So what was wrong?  Were we in the wrong restaurant - the wrong town? The ambiance was radiant, the décor was elegant, the waiters were charming… why not the people?  

There was such an imbalance in the room I was literally taken aback.  Suddenly I began to feel insecure and started to wonder about myself.  Was I over dressed?  Why did I get so dressed up tonight - what was I thinking?  Is everyone staring at me?  Quietly I looked at my girlfriends to see if I could tell what they were thinking, but no one seemed to care. 

Maybe I just don’t get out enough or, worst of all, maybe I’m getting older. Oh no, could that be true? Has motherhood set me back to a place where I actually don’t know what is “hip” anymore? The buzzing in my head was non-stop and I seriously thought something was wrong with me.

Once we sat down at our table and carried on with the evening I began to feel more composed. Maybe it was the affect of the wine I was having, but whatever, I didn’t care. I felt comfortable, confidant and, most of all, elegant. I realized it had nothing to do with where I was, what I was doing or even what I was wearing. It had everything to do with how I felt about myself inside.

 “Elegance is a glowing inner peace. Grace is an ability to give as well as to receive and be thankful. Mystery is a hidden laugh always ready to surface! Glamour only radiates if there is a sublime courage & bravery within: glamour is like the moon; it only shines because the sun is there.”  

                                                                                              - C. JoyBell C.

As I look back on that evening I wonder if I was confusing elegance with glamour.  As certain nights are special and rare, we have expectations of a glamorous night out, like we see in the tabloids or on TV. But why go through all the trouble of getting dressed up in the first place if what I just described is the current, local fashion?

Los Angeles may not be New York, where you can walk into a restaurant and everyone looks divine. But it has its own intrinsic elegance, something special unto itself. I love this city where I was born and raised; it has never let me down and I don’t believe it ever will. 

At the end of the day you know what really made me smile?  When leaving the house all dressed up my 4 year old daughter turned from the TV and said, “Mommy, you look sooooo beautiful, I can’t stand to look at you.”

“Elegance is innate.  It has nothing to do with being well dressed.  Elegance is refusal.” - Diana Vreeland

XO

Wendy

You Can't Always Get What You Want but...

Do you ever ask yourself why some things we want in life come so easily while others seem to be a constant struggle? Why your strengths can be your best friend’s weakness - and your weaknesses his or her strengths? How hard do we have to strive for that “dream to come true”… and for how long?

When is enough, enough? Are we not trying hard enough, or are we completely missing it all together? Maybe what we think we want we really don’t? This might apply to your dream relationship, dream job or everyday goals that just don’t seem to ever work out.

Then of course there are those people who seem to ‘have it all’. The ones who set their minds to something and seem to achieve it in an inordinately short period of time. The ones who make us judge ourselves and ask the question, “Why are they better than me?” 

What I recently discovered was that some of the people who seem to “have it all” actually don’t. In fact, sometimes they can be the ones who struggle the most. Having too much of everything does not, by itself, necessarily constitute a life of fulfillment. 

In a world with so much pressure to succeed, we often lose sight of what is truly important to us. Each of our likes and needs are different. While it may seem perfectly normal to want that certain guy because he is successful, well-off, has an engaging personality and appears to be a great guy to start a family with, he may not be the right one for you. Often, those can be characteristics that cause us to overlook the fact that he might not be attentive, is self-absorbed and frequently emotionally unavailable.

As I mentioned in my last blog, inspiration is an important ingredient for the right choices. Perhaps one of the reasons we are not achieving what we want is because what we need is something completely different. 

Are we really inspired by the company we’ve worked at for years; or the project that just can’t seem to get the “green light”? When is it time to take a step back and figure out why it’s taking us so long to be truly happy. We do learn from our mistakes, but at what point have we memorized our mistakes?

I was at my girlfriend’s home the other night (we’ve known each other nearly 10 years) and we began talking about being happy. She admitted that despite being a very positive person; generally happy, beautiful, spiritual, hardworking, etc., she wasn’t truly happy at all. In fact, she said she couldn’t remember the last time she was happy for any significant amount of time.  

I know how hard that was for her to admit. And if it hadn’t been for my daughter being in my life, I might have said the same. 

It was such a big step in her life, and mine as well, because we both realized after all these years maybe we were just striving for the wrong things. Maybe the man who was really going to make her happy wasn’t the man who was going to take care of her; wasn’t the man she would be inspired by. It was at that moment I never wanted happiness more for her. 

Allowing our vulnerabilities to surface and admitting them out loud can bestow us with a great inner power. Not only do we release them from our minds but by putting them out there wholeheartedly and candidly, we establish a precedence to measure what it is we may actually need to be truly happy. 

It’s OK to admit we may be going about parts of our lives in the wrong way. Our minds are so powerful we should not let them override our hearts. When coming from a susceptible place, we let go of the need to be right… and wouldn’t you rather be happy then right? 

We have often heard, ‘when guided by the heart one can do no wrong’. So why don’t we listen? Maybe in order to connect with our feelings we need to feel… to find a ‘tool’ or ‘ritual’ that helps us do this. 

Pain is a feeling… a feeling which hurts and we frequently go to great lengths to avoid it. And most of the time we don’t like to admit we’re in pain because it leaves us emotionally exposed. But if we stop avoiding pain and start embracing it, it may not be that scary after all. 

Our hearts know what we need; it will get us there if we begin to trust it. Our children trust us to know what they need when they are in pain because they love us. Maybe we need to teach our children from a young age to embrace pain, as opposed to staying clear of it. What does your heart tell you, can you hear it? 

It’s better to cry if you feel sad, yell if you feel mad and smile if you are happy. Let’s not tell one another not to feel, but encourage each other to openly express our feelings. I believe it is through this process that we can help our children and our friends find their own road to a complete and happy life. You may be surprised how many of your friends feel the same way you do. 

I am grateful to my girlfriend who admitted she wasn’t truly happy. For what might have been a brief poignant moment between two friends, is still with me. 

It’s amazing how an old Rolling Stones lyric can make you feel sooooo much!  

                      You can't always get what you want
                      But if you try sometimes well you just might find
                     You get what you need.        

                                                                   - Rolling Stones 

 Xo

Wendy    

The Silent Movie

In my last blog, “Desperately Seeking Someone”, I wrote about the lengths we sometimes go in order to meet the perfect someone.  I offered a few suggestions as to why you may not be finding the ‘one’.  Maybe you really aren’t exactly where you need to be before rushing into the next relationship.  So, take the time to indulge yourself, because if you can’t stand to be with yourself what makes you think anyone else is going to want to be with you either?  We often think we need someone to complete us, when in fact we should seek someone to ‘join’ us.  Someone who inspires us as we strive to inspire them.

Years ago I was in a relationship with a man for 5 years.  It was one of those relationships that put you through the ‘ringer’.  Although he was a man of few words, he never failed to point out my negatives.  He would even circle misspelled words in the little notes I left him, and then hang them on the refrigerator door for me to see.  I felt like a three year old, not to mention embarrassed.

I will never forget once during an argument he said, “Wendy, you just don’t INSPIRE me.”  Inspire him, why did I need to inspire him?  This comment haunted me for years.  

In retrospect he was right.  I was at a point in my life when I had no inspiration, I didn’t know what I wanted or how to change it.  All I wanted was not be alone.  However challenging that relationship was, it taught me so much about myself; and what a different woman I am today because of it.

Living a life filled with inspiration will never compare to a life without it.  How we live our lives… from the style of our home, the clothes we wear and even the way we treat other people, all stem from what inspires us.  It is in what we observe that stimulates our feelings, which in turn leads to inspiration.  

When inspired we can create, and when creating we are truly living our lives and feeling fulfilled and harmonious. More often than not, when distracted from this process, we feel the need for someone else to fill our void.  This is when we feel alone, or can be attracted to the wrong type of relationship.  Even an existing relationship can go through times that lack passion.  The strength of that relationship will usually determine its outcome.  Nevertheless, it is so important to have something in your life that keeps you alive so you don’t slip into ‘neediness’ and other negative emotions.

This is where “The Silent Movie” comes into play.  I will never forget the story of a girlfriend of mine who was in a terribly painful relationship.  She was very in love but at the same time was in an awful place in her life.  She lacked money, inspiration and self-worth.  

She called me late one evening to tell me she was sitting at a bus stop heading downtown to see her boyfriend.  She barely had enough money for the fare.  He didn’t have time to pick her up (she didn’t drive then) and was too busy.  I asked her, “But why are you going to see him now, you’re crazy, its 11pm at night and you’re a woman sitting at a bus stop and miserable?”  She said, “But he told me how much he loves me.  It’s just that he doesn’t have time to come and get me because he’s busy with his friend and that I should just catch the bus and come to him.” 

That’s when I said, “STOP - take away the words and let’s look at the scenario: You’re a beautiful, young woman sitting at a bus stop, no money in your pocket except for bus fare, it’s late at night and you’re crying.  What do you see?  Do you see or even feel LOVE?  I see a desperate and pathetic young woman who is lost.”

And that was exactly who and where she was in her life.  It wasn’t until she realized by seeing herself, not just listening to the words, that her perspective began to change.  It wasn’t the ‘style’ she intended for herself, yet it was the rest of the world to her at that moment.

We can all play out our ‘silent movie’ at any given time in life.  Watching and observing any situation is the road that can inspire us to change, or forgo the life we’re not intending for ourselves.  Our actions do not lie; while our words can be misleading - or in an opposite sense, very revealing. 

It is easy enough to say “I love you”… but wouldn’t you rather feel “I love you”?  In my view, this expression is used more casually now than ever before.  It’s because we are all so desperate to hear it, and are disappointed when there is no action to follow?  It’s like a temporary fix.  

I believe this is why by using the “silent movie” in your life you can honestly see where you are at any given time.  When you watch an opera in a foreign language you may have no idea what they are saying/singing, but you feel every emotion they are performing.  Children and animals are great examples of ‘love’ with no words as well.  Animals don’t talk but when they trust you and realize you are the one who will take care of them they perform acts of kindness and love every moment.  

Children are the same.  Before they can say “I love you mommy”, they run into your arms with more love than any word can express.  Sometimes, it is just a look in their eyes that tells you so much.

As a woman and now a mother, it is more important than ever for me to set an example of being true to my word.  Life without integrity is one which will eventually wear you down.  What examples are we to our children if we’re not living a life with honor?  Will we make mistakes, of course, and that’s OK.  It is through those mistakes that we’ll also grow.

We teach our children not to lie… to tell the truth… to share with your friends and don’t throw sand.  Shouldn’t we do the same?

Xo

Wendy